Page 20 - Community Living Magazine 34-2

parenting
In praise of the difficult parent

Parents are often labelled troublesome simply because they are taking on authorities to get the
best for their children, says Liz Callaghan. They also need to recognise when their sons and
daughters can express preferences in their lives

t must have been around 2010. I had
asked for a review meeting with the
Iprovider of my son’s support and his
care manager from social work.
You see, after many months of planning,
I had hoped my son’s support provider
would have been actively engaging with
my son in activities and meeting new
people, and researching opportunities
that would offer him his place in a
community where he could belong.
In reality, his life was very different. You
could pick any day in any week of his life
– they were all the same. His life pretty
much amounted to a walk around the
park to see the ducks.
At that time, my son was 28, and I was
pretty sure that most 28-year-olds were
not taking themselves off to the park each I’ll have this one: people can only make a choice when they are allowed to have experiences
day to see the ducks. I complained to the
provider and spoke with his care manager manager still passes on my “certification” community?’ (spring, page 12). It left me
and asked for a meeting where we could of being a challenging and troublesome with some very conflicting thoughts
address this. parent to the local authority where my and emotions.
On the day of the meeting, I remember son now lives. As parents, we all believe that we know
being met by the care manager who I guess if there were not so many hoops our sons and daughters best – I really do
escorted me to wait by the lift on our way to jump through and barriers in the way, believe this to be true. Only the
to the meeting room. life might have been a little easier and supporters who take the time to fully
less challenging. engage with our kids who cannot speak
Supporting your kids or any family for themselves and who have difficulties
If parents and carers get member through the social care system is communicating generally will ever learn to
labelled challenging, well, tough – you almost need to have a degree know what they are saying.
I have also struggled over the years with
in legislation – and almost always you
good on them. They only want need to be prepared for a long haul. some of the self-advocacy movement and,
what is right – a good life for Why is this? If parents and carers get to a degree, other professionals who put
their family member labelled challenging, well, good on them. people onto their podiums to speak about
They only want what is right – a good life
the right of people with learning
for their family member. disabilities to have their voices heard.
This is not because I don’t believe it to
The care manager was quite a pleasant Who are you speaking for? be true – quite the opposite. I struggle
woman with a fixed smile. During the I guess it was no real surprise that I’ve only because far too often they leave a
short time we waited for the lift, she ended working in the field of social care for large group of people behind because
turned to me and said: “You are quite a the last 30-plus years. I have campaigned they are harder to engage with.
challenging parent aren’t you?” and and advocated for people with learning The self-advocacy movement has always
turned back away just as the lift door disabilities and autism to be supported to struggled with the very idea that someone
opened and we both got in. I remember have their voices heard and to have choice, else can ever voice what another person
not really knowing how to reply, only to control and the right to live a good, might want to say. And the idea that this
utter an uncomfortable chuckle. ordinary life, just like the majority of us. other voice could misinterpret the
That moment always stuck with me. My son falls into the category of having individual is enough to justify segregating
Was I really challenging? complex needs, sometimes called them from their group entirely.
Well, the reality is over the years I have profound and multiple learning I guess some parents do much the same
really had to learn to challenge. disability (PMLD). by not allowing their sons or daughters to
At least 11 years on, my label of being a I remember reading an article earlier be included, as they see them as vulnerable
challenging parent has certainly stuck and this year in Community Living entitled and different from the rest. Maybe it is Seán Kelly
followed me. That very same care ‘How inclusive is the learning disability because they believe they need something

20 Vol 34 No 2 | Winter 2021 Community Living www.cl-initiatives.co.uk